It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
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I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.