I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
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Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.