BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
You Might Also Like
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.