Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
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Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.