Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
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My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!