People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
You Might Also Like
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend