I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
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A small tragedy.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.