When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
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judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated