You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
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My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.