Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
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I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.