Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
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Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
This is so me 😂😂
No, I don’t think I will.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.