[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
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ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.