Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
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Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.