My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
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My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.