For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
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me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
I just tested negative for patience.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
mechanics be like
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.