I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
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ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.