Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
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*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet