Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
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nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.