SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
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I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed