How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
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LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.