Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.