Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
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I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
When a shoelace touches your ankle
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
🤭😂
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.