You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
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“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
I’ve been learning to cook.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Cashiers are always checking me out
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.