me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
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DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.