MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
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Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”