[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
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ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Oh my god
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.