Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
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Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver