Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
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I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Finally!
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*