A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
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When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
that colleague who touches your screen
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.