*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
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“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.