When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
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Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
“What movie?” 🤔
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”