Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
You Might Also Like
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
We like the way Dwight thinks