“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
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okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*