“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
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[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
A tragic love story in two pictures.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.