Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
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[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
They’re stuck in your pants?
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
listen closely
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Body by cheese-puffs.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.