2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
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[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
🤣✨#caturday