If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
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Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”