For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
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thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
6: are snakes just neck?
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”