Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
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Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Meme Monday.