When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
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You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Finally a use for spoilers…
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.