Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
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My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Where’s my employee discount too?
Dear Lord..
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!