why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
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In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
lmao