Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
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I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Lmao
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense