Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
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BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*