How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
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Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
According to math, I’m broke
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Anyone want a chair?
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you