If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
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Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
A family that plays together cheats.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.