I can’t wait!
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My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room