the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
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Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
NASA has no chill
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10