Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
You Might Also Like
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?