Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
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And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Well, this is awkward
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…